yellow... Scott here.... well i've got about 20 minutes before i need to go to my next class so i figured i might just make a little addition to the old blog... yeah... you know that girl that i was so sure i was gonna talk to: Kim? I just got out of the class and saw her sitting down front collecting her things to leave and i walked out on the far side hopefully unnoticed. Why is that? Why do my instincts not only say "dont approach" but "get out of here before she sees you"??? why cant i take hold of them and say "hey instincts... could you please not make me do things that will result in me being a pathetic single guy?".... this is, i guess one instance where one can clearly see the power of my imagination in conceiving the notion of approaching her with intentions of talking and eventually asking if she wanted to go get something to eat sometime.... i could close my eyes and envision the perfect scenerio and i know exactly what i would want to say, i can feel what that would be like... and its a really good feeling. My imagination has already played through exactly what would happen if everything went right or if she just wasnt interrested. I know how i would act if i asked and she wasnt interrested... i would pass her on the street and pretend to not see her, hoping that she wouldnt see me, and if she did say "hi" i would be really shy and give a little wave and a smile. Approaching her at any point, for any reason after the rejection would be out of the question.... and that would be it. In one seemingly harmless conversation, i would change the entire dynamic of our relationship from then on. That could possibly be why i had to get out of there... i dont want to do that again. I am so tired of alienating girls just because i "give it a shot" and show some interrest.... I'm tired of that. You might not know what its like... and then again you might.... i do and i know i hate it. "but you dont have to force someone out of your life after they turn down the idea of a date-type thing..." you might say... and i know i dont... but the very part of me that forced me out of my BCMB class after we dismissed so that i could avoid her, is the very part that would control me. Perhaps my downfall is partially due to the fact that i have already forseen the two possibilities of success or failure and their results and i have ruled that failure is the most likely result of an encounter with her. "how do you figure?" someone might say "you've got alot going for you... such as bla bla bla, or bla bla bla... and dont forget bla bla bla"... and yeah... "cool" i might think... until i realize that i have been Scott for as long as i can remember and i havnt made any drastic changes to my personality or lifestyle since my entrance into the dating scene... and any logical person could see that if my record is what it is despite having these alleged qualities that would/should interrest girls.... why should i take comfort in them, or expect anything to improve? I havnt changed... the system hasnt changed... the way the world works hasnt changed. I wont subject myself into reliving past failures through new ones... and yes i know what that means. if i dont try, i cant succeed. You can tell me that, and you will be totally right, but just ask me if you want a list of girls i HAVE tried my luck on and how and why it didnt work out. I apologize for the depressing nature of this blog... its just whats on my mind right now.... and i think thats how these are supposted to work.
gotta go to class- Scott