being a downer

things are good... i'm gonna really write some more here...
i'm doing OK... i've kinda been in a "i miss mandy, but i dont think she really cares" funk the last couple of weeks... and finals havnt helped i guess... but i think things could be worse... i've still got all my teeth and my arms and legs... well one good leg. So thats good... i've also got about 20 pounds have that have jumped on the scott wagon since pharmacy school... so THATS good... i wish i could actually run in some shape form or fashion... that would be a way for me to not only lose weight but to vent some of my frustrations with life out... i could always use that for a release, and now its like.... writing this blog has probably been the closest thing to a release i've had all day. i am more and more slipping back to the guy i was before mandy... (shy, low self confidence, clumsy, et. al.)... not to mention, i am feeling really pessimistic for some reason... why is that? I am usually such a positive person, right? I mean, i know i am... i've gotta do something about this rut that i'm in... but on a POSITIVE note, pharmacy school is going well and i'm learning alot... and i'm happy to be doing this. I just think if you had told me two years ago that getting into pharmacy school would make me happy and solve all my problems, i would have agreed with you in a second, but shoot... i guess i should have known better. but things are gonna be ok, i just need to get my emotions about this mandy thing under control... i know i can get over this and be ok... just gotta make myself accept things like i did before, i think that works... you know what the hardest part is? you know when you break up with someone (for those who have had that happen in the last few years... hmm... cant think of anyone really that would but just go with me) you get that feeling when its over that "how am i going to find someone as good as ____?" and you really feel that way... you just got out of a relationship, you feel lonely, and all of a sudden, it seems like they were the only person in the world with those attributes and that love/care for you all in one... and i felt like that for awhile after mandy and i broke up... and i was able to kind of put it aside and try to ignore that and have a good time for most of this semester, but now...that feeling came back... what if she was the best i'll ever have? what if its all downhill from here?... what if i'll look back when i'm 65 and wonder why i didnt do things drastically different?... i guess its too late for the doing things different at this point... this door is closed with her... too many what ifs right? yeah... i think so too. i just need to get a grip on my feelings about this and take control of how i feel cause right now, i'm telling you... i just feel almost helpless in all of this... i feel like i have no control over what happens next, like my decisions have already been made for me... maybe they have? i dont know.... but other than all that, i think you could say i'm doing pretty good... i mean... i am making it through pharm school, and i guess maybe thats all i can focus on right now, maybe thats all i should focus on really... i know several guys in my class that have resigned themselves to the same things... and while half of them are married or engaged, the other half are single like me... i'm not alone in this... it'll be ok, right?