Decision: 2004

I’m having a really good January… I’m in one of those “can’t decide how I feel” moods at the moment- so I guess that’s at least not a bad thing. Just about 5 minutes ago I was checking out Jesse’s blog and for some random reason I went looking back through the archive- I read the last few months of 2003… she mentioned some of the things that were going on around then- I went back and read the last few months of my 2003… it was a weird time- Josh was in Europe, I was just back from Bluecoats- I worked a ton with school and my pharmacy job… looking back I remember just how many 25+ and even 30+ hour weeks I had back then on top of my biochem stuff… I guess it really does make a little more sense now that I would have still gotten a good PCAT score but had sub-par grades in general- I think I might do that differently if I could do that over again… but… you might argue that through working at KMART I met 3 UT-grad pharmacists, and another great pharmacist/teacher, Bob, all who wrote me very generous and flattering letters of recommendation … I also learned a ton about working in a pharmacy, and I learned a ton about handling stress and pressure on the job and in my school life- life in general I suppose… I think the one big thing I took away from Bob was that, its no good to do a job fast if you make mistakes… much better to do something carefully and do it right the first time- I’ll always remember that lesson- it just really stuck with me… yes its common sense- yes its extremely intuitive- but in a world of quotas- it does some good to just stop and really appreciate quality…its really hard to put a value on those lessons and connections- it kind of makes me feel guilty for not working right now with school, but here…I don't think people really do that much on the side- until summer rolls around-… well I mean some do, (or did) but the ones who seem to do really well don't work at all or very often- I dunno…. I guess I wont feel too guilty- I got my 400+ intern hours all in one summer (it was actually 510 or so) which is all I need to get my license… you can’t question that my priorities are in the right place: 1) Getting the degree that will comfortably provide for me the rest of my life… 2) working while earning the above degree but only making 25% of future potential earnings all the while making priority #1 that much more difficult to attain… hmmm…

Looking back again to where I was talking about in undergrad:

I remember a time that next semester in the spring, 2004....I had a great interview in Memphis, and I had been given an ultimatum by the person in charge of admissions (who had the task of whittling 500 applicants down to 135 future pharmacists)- “your 95% PCAT is impressive (I think our school’s average is 88% or so…), but you need to pull your grades up if you want a shot at making it… we have to know that you can pull out a decent GPA”… which is more than fair on his end- and I was up to the challenge I thought… my name tag at work actually read: Scott ‘3.0’ Burka… and I tried for a few weeks, thinking to myself that “you can do it… you can do it”- even knowing it was the most challenging semester of college I had ever attempted- (and it turned out to be every-bit as tough if not more-so than it looked on paper)… but there came a point with work, school, and relationships… where I realized that I couldn’t make it… as capable as I thought I was- I realized that there was just no way possible for me to make it the way I was- and with encouragement from my parents- I told my boss I had to quit and after my 2 weeks were up, that was it… but that wasn’t enough… I still couldn’t do it. I realized something- one day after walking back to Andy Holt from studying in the library- I had to clear out everything in my head and start from scratch- making the cut had to be #1 in my mind and everything and everyone else would have to fight for what was left- I couldn’t give less than 110% of what I thought it would take to get the job done- but wait—at what cost? I had relationships, loved hobbies, passions, wants- could I really just brush those aside? I mean- what is really important in life? Wouldn’t it be to live, love, laugh… to follow what made you happy no matter the cost? Certainly doing organic chemistry problems and smashing fly brains in genetics lab was not the life passion I really had in mind (though I’m sure I made it seem very appealing) … I don't know… that was too big of a question… the one thing I knew was that I couldn’t do both- I couldn’t make it and do those other things too- I had crunched the numbers, there had to be a choice. I really thought about it- this wasn’t some “I’m gonna do my best!” moments, I was already doing what I thought was my best! This was reality smacking me in the face with a 2x4… this was my one chance… the stars had aligned, the pins were set up and I had to knock them down or spend the rest of my life with a gutter ball in the last frame- and that was it- by the time I had made it through the Presidential Courtyard my mind was made up- I would sacrifice whatever it took no matter the cost and I would make it happen… and that’s what I did- it may not have been the kind of change you would have been able to pick out if you talked to me-but it was there. It helped me get through the last 2 and a half months of school and it gave me just enough to get through it… I’m not saying it was easy (not that I think you would have really come away with that impression)- it didn’t all magically work out because of my efforts alone either- it all came down to a Geography teacher…

(here's an exerpt from my blog 2/28/04 )
"HELLO- scott here... i'm just doing my thing here in the library... the more time i spend here at UT the more time i find myself here studying... i just finished a paper for geography 372 (geography of central America)... i really don't like that class... All the stupid little quizzes and projects... Its so lame. Why cant she just come in, lecture and have us take notes and then give us about 4 tests based on what she talked about in class? That seems to be the general idea for all my other classes... Why does she have to be different? Blew... well i'm gonna go study some BCMB 402 (second semester biochemistry)- at some point i've got 2 other papers to do, and those wont be as easy as this first one. Its good for me to get out of the room, because when i left there were... 8 other people in the living room watching a movie..."

3/31/04
"Scott here... well stuff is good... not too much going on... i've gotta go work today, after this week there is only one more week i have to work and then thats it... its 100% studying. I have already been studying alot this week- i had to read a book for geography on monday so that took about 8-9 hours... i feel pretty relaxed. One of my professors just offered extra credit for the last test- (that had an oh so impressive average of 69)... and i am so so so so so so so glad that he did... i think i can still get an A in that class with the extra credit... actually i MUST get an A in that class... no stress... i know what i've got to do. Bob says he has already got some promising people call about the pharmacy technician job... and thats not really suprising because its a really cool job, and i wish i could keep it... i know that quitting is the right thing to do because if i can pull off the 3.0 i'll be the happiest guy in the world, and thats really all that matters..."

the worst class I had, the biggest waste of time- I could tell you stories about how much I just really didn’t care for that class- don't even get me started- I didn’t care for the teacher- “hey… its GEOGRAPHY… you really think that this is all that important? Who cares about this stuff?!”… when everything came out in the end, I was 0.1 below the GPA set before me by the dean of admissions for pharmacy school… I was really devastated- there were people around me when it happened and I had a really hard time accepting what I saw- I mean come on, it was my future… I decided to give something stupid a try… what can it hurt? Right?... I emailed my geography teacher- who’s class I got a B in- … I can’t reproduce the email but suffice to say it was heartfelt and humble- I didn’t suggest to her that I earned or even deserved a B+ in her class, but I told her what was at stake and asked for mercy… I got a reply about an hour later… “Scott, call me at ###-####”… wow… I composed myself and made the call- she said that she had reviewed the grades and noticed that I was about a point or less away from the B+ cutoff line- and she saw no reason to deprive me of it- I was really shaken by what happened and I thanked her as much as I knew how… and I guess that was about it: I sent my grades to memphis and i got a letter back from the dean which i still have saved in an old blog- word for word-

May 14, 2004: “ impressive semester with the course load and the types of courses – this will definitely help you on the alternate list and I will guarantee that if you don't get pulled off for this class, I will give you a position in the class of 2005 guaranteed. “

I took a micro class that summer and got an A and a week later I was hiking the Appalachian trail when I got a call from Mom who played me the answering machine message where they told me I was accepted… it was really too big for words… words don't do how I felt justice- it was like my life changed in the blink of an eye… everything seemed different- I even had trouble sleeping that night- (which I can tell you- usually isn’t a problem after you’ve hiked 20 miles in a single day)… I remember calling Mandy that night and the bittersweet realization that while I got in- I’d be on the other side of the state from her for the next 4 years…

it wasn’t until mid August of 2005, the summer after my first year, when I feel like I really got closure on the decision I had made 16 months earlier… things had changed… I was driving back from Todd’s graduation and I was talking with my captive passenger. He told me that life could be boiled down to a simple list of priorities and goals. He told me that there were 5 on a list that he made when he was about my same age- to graduate college with his degree in civil engineering, to get married (eventually to the person I affectionately refer to as Grandma), join the military, get a job, and start a family… [that’s just from my memory- I may have mixed one up]- and he told me that one day he sat down and made, what seemed to me, a pretty similar decision about his own life and kept those 5 goals in his mind in order and gave his full concentration, effort, and ability to the top item on the list until it was accomplished, and then to the next, and so on- and that’s exactly how it turned out for him… just like the list- no different...- This is a picture from earlier that day at Todd's graduation: -notice the phone in my hand...

for me- I don't really know how my 2, 3, 4, and 5 fall into place… I have a pretty good idea of what kind of life I want- I’d say if you know me really well that’s obvious-, but what I realized that I had decided back in the spring of 2004 is that my #1 is seeing this thing through until May of 2008- and that’s all that really matters. Maybe I’ll have the rest figured out by then and maybe I won’t, but what I do know is that this one has to go first because there’s no other place for it to go… and that getting it done makes 2, 3, and 4 all the much easier- whatever they turn out to be.

and thats the whole story-- after that March blog- there wasnt a lot until may after finals- and then that summer i didnt blog much at all either- i kinda hinted at what was going on- but i think details got left out... so now you've got them all... in abundance... probably more than you could ever stand to know about my pre-pharmacy years...