no... no... its just early... (early)

ok its really late... but i dont have school tomorrow so i dont care.

saw "life is beautiful" tonight- i thought it was OK... i didnt think it was great, but i thought it had many great parts. I got frustrated at Blockbuster 1) because they charged me a 22 dollar late fee... I'LL JUST BUY THE MOVIE!! and 2) because i wanted to find something for everyone to watch but nobody wanted to decide on anything... and then i spilled my leftovers in the car- but it was Chun's car and we cleaned it up ok so that was fine. I won an auction for a free dinner for 2 at cozumels mexican restraunt- i paid 21 dollars for it and everyone laughed because they thought i couldnt get my money's worth out of it... but me, aryan, chun, and ryan went there tonight and aryan and i ran up a 60 dollar tab ($60.34)- that was entirely covered by the 'coupon' THATS WHAT THEY GET for not putting a "maximum value" on there.. BOO YA! we got an appetizer, drinks (the non alcoholic kind), two of the most expensive entrees and 1 desert each--- 60 bucks, man... thats awesome... it makes me feel good to know that my part alone would have been 30... i like to stick it to the man like that... ha! i also won a couple of other things that were below retail value- i got a 20 dollar certificate to this one restaurant for 12 dollars... i beat out a 2nd year med-school girl for it and we talked for about 10 minutes. I had played frisbee with her before and we had kinda talked some as friends- but now that i'm single... i think its all fair game. We had a good little talk, and she told me she won some of the ballroom dancing lessons (that ryan and his fiancee also won) and she needed someone to go dance with her, and i was like..."well... i'm just scared of dancing honestly..." and she was like "oh but why?" (with a tone of disappointment) and i was just like "well... just seems like everyone would be looking at me..."... ((((OK i dont get the whole dancing thing.... moving to music- is that so important?? why on earth is it that girls put so much value into that... is it some kind of evolutionary development where a better dancer somehow corresponds to a better rate of survival or a better mate? i dont get it... just the other night this girl was telling me "oh i can't stand this guy"- referring to a guy on the dance floor- and then she danced with him later and he was really good and later she was telling me she liked him... she SERIOUSLY went from thinking the guy was a stupid jerk to thinking he was a pretty cool guy... BECAUSE HE COULD DANCE!! i dont think thats fair... to those of us who cant dance... i was angry when she told me that because it just lent support to the whole "girls like guys who can dance" theme that i'm trying to figure out... oh well)--PLEASE REFER TO EXHIBIT A (ABOVE) CONCERNING THIS POINT)))) i dunno... but i think she was flirting with me- i'm no expert at that kind of thing... but it seemed like she was... but i asked her questions about herself (good thing to do when talking to girls!) and we seemed to have a good talk... maybe i should do some more research? she is friends with kathleen wild from MJ and we were in winter drumline together, so i think i could use her as my inside person to get the scoop... i think that always helps... i think if i were left all on my own i'd probably have a pretty rough time, and i think the last 9 months are a testament to that because i havnt had any help there... i actually asked lindz afew times if she knew any FHU girls, but she said i was too far away... and she's right thats crazy... i guess it is atleast... i was sitting here with aryan yesterday and he was asking me questions... and i think they are..well... informative in their nature,... answering questions like that is a way that i can really convince myself of how i feel about things... its like feeling it is one thing, but talking about how you feel- conveying it to someone else- makes it all the more of a concrete thing- and i think thats good.

"are you over the whole mandy thing?"
'yeah i am... i think i have been since spring break'
"how'd you do that?"
'i dunno... something about spring break... i felt like i was able to pull away- and i needed to do that for me'
"but don't you ever get lonely?... like miss having a girl around?" (with the sub conext of 'we havnt actually spent any time with any actual girls this semester or last semester')
'............well... i dont know really... i would have said yes before... but there are so many cool things about being single too... like there are no fights, you cant miscommunicate with yourself, you dont have to worry about planning all your time with someone else...this is kinda nice really... i guess i should just try to enjoy this until its time for something different... '

and i think i meant that. of course its not a static answer, but at the time it was true. I feel pretty fine about everything and i have for several weeks, actually... my leg brings me down sometimes, but its a very neutral kind of thing... and i think i can beat that problem eventually.
but i feel fine... HONESTLY- i think the fact that i've been able to run for the last 3 weeks has been a MAJOR MAJOR help to my mood. like i dont feel so stressed out, i dont feel so anxious... i dont feel like a slob anymore- i'm feeling much better- emotionally.